I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
