I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It was like giving head to a cactus.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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