Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
