you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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