the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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