My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
