he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
