You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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