She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
