Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
