the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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