You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
