the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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