I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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