Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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