Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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