so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
