I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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