No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
