youre lurking in front of me
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
