I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize