He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
