So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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