If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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