if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
