So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You're like the curious george of whores
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
