You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
She bit a glass in half.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
there is glitter all over my balls
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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