I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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