i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
