i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
