His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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