the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
i now understand why vodka
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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