omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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