part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
