i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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