I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
