I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Couch. On fire.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
