Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
