I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
