dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
