It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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