I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Oh god it's open bar.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize