I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
