tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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