You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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