Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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