Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
