i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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