took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Bring me that man meat
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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