My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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