Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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