"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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