What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
