you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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