they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
