I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
