I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
