The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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