The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My life is pants optional.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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