New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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