Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
