Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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