Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
