but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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